I’m in a good mood today. I’m not at work, and that makes me happy. What I like most about not being at work is being at home alone. Call me selfish, but I love that I can walk around the house, watch porn and masturbate in any room whenever I want; but, since I spent the last five days doing that, I think I’ll catch up on laundry instead.
Pleasant five-mile run this morning. I kept it easy, although Garmina still reported a high heart rate. I have suspicions W has spies watching us through Garmina and is filtering the satellite frequency to secretly increase our aerobic levels with a ploy to train a new army of runners. Is it a coincidence that the Verizon FIOS man has been to my house 4 times this week if an effort to provide me with fiber optic pleasure? I’m no fool – that combination is just evil enough to be plausible.
Then again, maybe I’m just high strung gal with a shrewish little heart – it is good thing I’m not Hindu* or Buddhist because I would already be dead from using up my lifetime supply heart beats. It’s my firm belief that since I was raised by atheists, I have an unlimited number of heart beats – and that makes me special.
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{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, you are special alright.
(Mental note: Do NOT sit down ANYWHERE in Susan’s house.)
Ha! I am not the only paranoid freak out there! Sounds like your garmin might be screwing up. Try taking your heart rate manually (two fingers to your neck and count for 30 seconds) and compare it to the Garmin, that should tell you how far off it is.
Hope your puppy gets better!
blink blink did I just read what I thought I read? lol. You are hilarious.
I hope your dog gets better soon! Monte and Milford are sending him good vibes (they don’t do prayers because they are agnostic)!
reading the start of this post i have a theory about the high heart rate ….. i agree with runninturnip try the 2 finger method which I feel you are already familiar with
hindi have all kinds of extra hearbeats since they can just repeat life over and over again….can you imagine going thru puberty again and aagain and again….. buddhist on the other hand may come back as another life form perhaps without a heart which explains why there are so many lawyers.
that was awesome.
I think the Verison man is showing up because he heard what you do in your free time at home alone! O_o
perhaps you should wait 2 hours after masturbating or watching porn before you run. you might not be giving your heart enough time to settle after watching those cheerleaders revive Roger Starstruck, star quarterback of the Dallas O-boys.
you’re special because you give Rowdy pesto!
You’re seriously trying to make me feel even worse that my Husband’s trip was cancelled aren’t you…I had those exact same plans until the freakin’ airport closed…
Again…I’m filled with envy…
That was masterfully written. You -almost- had me believing that you were joking.
Um… um… um…
High heartrate.
Imagine the search querries NOW!
“I can walk around the house, watch porn and masturbate in any room whenever I want”
…brings back fond memories of living alone…haha.
I was nodding my head in agreement about loving being at home alone…but then changed my mind ’cause it’s not for the same reasons! You are too funny…glad you got the laundry done!
And yeah…I wouldn’t soley rely on electronics for accurate HR info.
you forgot to mention walk ‘naked’ around the house, watch porn, … a day in my life fo sho.
moving on!
Harvard’s Men’s Health Watch published an explanation last year that sheds some new light on max heart rate. A couple of Colorado scientists did some exercise test reality checking and reviewed the results of 18,712 men and women of all ages. Based on the this real-life data they came up with a new formula:
Maximum heart rate = 208 – (0.7 x age in years)
With that said, these are just averages… it happens to work well for me, but so did the old method/formula.
I can only maintain about 90% of my max heart rate for about 8 minutes before my brain, heart, and the majority of my organs feel like they will extrude through every pore of my body… something tells me your max. heart is just way above the average… or, you’ve chosen a new running route that passes exclusively under heavy power lines…
if you want to get a real world idea of what your say tempo training zone should be for a fast’ish type run, then warm-up on a run for 10 minutes, include a few 1 minute intervals to get your heart rate up, and then for 8 minutes go pedal-to-the-medal at the fastest pace you can maintain… check out your average heart rate over that 8 minutes, and then back your tempo paced run to ~87% of that avg. heart rate plus or minus a few beats. for a slow long distance run, ensure you never exceed the 87%. this is essentially the Carmichael Field Test that Lance’s coach used with him, to determine target heart rates in a field-test environment, ie. on the road, but not in a lab.
no need to thank me, i’m here to help.
I’ll avoid the start of the post, *blushing*, but do you wear your iPod on the same arm as your Garmin? When I do, my readings are all over the place, to the point where it tells me I’m running 30second kms. Try wearing them on different arms and see if that works.
Of course, if they are already worn on different arms..*shrugs*
Hindi is not a religon, it’s a language. HINDU is the correct word.
This post was hilarious.
Ah, I do miss living alone. But my roomie is going to the gym tonight… sooooo, I think I’ll…. take a nap
haha.
Hmmm, I think iliketoast is talking about the two finger method for something besides your heart rate, but I could be mistaken.
You know my mother reads my blog and I hope she does not go reading other blogs that I read as well. I have a feeling my wife may get a phone call from her if she read this one. And Yes, I have a high heart rate after reading the first paragraph of your post. Thanks Susan!
…double take! Just got into work so still had HR monitor on. Definite increase in HR after the first paragraph. You certainly tend to ‘mix it up’ a bit with the topics in your blog.
Just pull down the shades, that’s all I ask.
At least you ran the whole 5 miles. Nice job today. I’m so good at being fool hardy, I thought I would try to get just a little rusty.
Home alone. Porn. Masturbate. Whenever I want. High heart rate. Optic pleasure. Two fingers. Vibes. Puberty again and again. Cheerleaders. Dallas O-Boys. Blushing. Electronics. Naked. Organs. Extrude. 1 minute intervals. Blushing. Nap. Double take.
What is going on in this chat room people? Mr. Verizon is gonna jump Garmina pretty soon here and everybody’s gonna wonder why.
Finally: Just pull down the shades.
What will she write tomorrow? Susan needs more time off.
whoa. porn in any room you want! that’s awesome..
Hmm I just thought it was me you watched porn and masturbated when I was alone…nice to have friends.
You’re priceless.
Hope Rowdy is doing well
Obviously another attempt at breaking the record for most comments….
(BTW, do you ever wear your HR monitor when you’re “home alone”?)
Hahaha. Susan you are hilarious!
lmao… tell the honest truth about why verizon man is coming by…
You have a fine sense of humor young lady!!
I’m going to enjoy reading about your running escapades. Maybe I can motivate myself to get my pace up a bit.
I’m hoping to run the Athens, Greece marathon later this year….
By the way, I left you a note about the high heart rate on your post from yesterday..
Good luck to you!
*blush*
Uh, what can I say after reading that? I can only assume you want to boost your hit rate in those search engines again.
MY EYES! MY EYES!
A Woman after my own heart! FIOS isn’t worth the stress to get it installed…
Now I am getting RunnerSusan quotes on my comments……Does this mean you’re famous?
thanks for the morning chuckles! I enjoyed the humor very much.
Girl, you know what you need.
A heart transplant….
Here only the 3 lady cats can walk around the house, watch porn and masturbate in any room whenever they want and the poor sir black and white cat is out of the window asking to himself: why I cannot enter?
Susan, you are a funny, intelligent and eloquent breath of fresh air in the running-blog world. Thanks for making my cheerful Friday even cheerier =)