If you’ve come to my blog for the gratuitous sex, lesbian electronics or drunken blogging – today is not your day. I’m not exactly sure why you would want to continue reading, but I figure there might be a handful of equally geeky runners who actually read my blog for the posts about running. So let’s weed out the perverts and get to the heart of Susan.
After selling my left lung and a spare pancreas to the Devil, I had the rare opportunity to work with a personal trainer to find out my personal threshold heart rate number and training zones. The VO2 Max test proved to be a worthwhile adventure especially considering my recent concerns with cardiac explosion.
It’s amazing the information that can be gathered from thirty minutes on a treadmill. My part was pretty simple – put the mask on, hook up to a computer and then walk, run and run really, really hard.
As you can see, it was an extremely glamorous process. I find the bulging veins in my head particularly attractive. Apparently so did Michael, I found the mask on the bedside this morning – I have my suspicions that he tried to slip it on me after I passed out last night. I digress; this is about my heart rate not my sex life. No wait, maybe he just wanted me to clean his bathroom?
Anyhow, a few clicks of the computer keys later and a six page profile all about the heart of Susan pops out. Simply amazing – I have a heart!
The first was a Fat Utilization profile, which basically told me that I need to run SLOWER to get faster and burn fat. Makes no sense to me, but hey – I get to run slower and get faster while burning fat – time to lick the personal trainer! The second profile gave similar information but showed that as I become more fit, the higher percentage of fat calories I will burn at higher intensities. Cool. Another profile gave me a Metaboic Assessment which is a snapshot of my body’s caloric expenditure during different levels of excercise.
The next profile told me my Aerobic Base (AB) was 156 beats per minute and Anaerobic Threshold Heart Rate (AT) was 173 – the AT represents the level of exercise I can sustain over an extended period of time before I start building lactic acid in my muscles (I think this is right, so play along, I’m new to this HR stuff). This, as trainer explains, is why my legs start to cramp around mile 17. And, if work on increasing the AT that won’t happen (as soon). I am the only one that finds this fascinating?
There is so much more information but this groovy chart basically sums it all up.
The whole experience was astoundingly geeky and just as overwhelming. I can’t think of any other information that would have made this experience more beneficial for my training. Except maybe a solid, written declaration of smaller thighs. If that were the case, I would have thrown the personal trainer on the ground and had some hot raunchy monkey sex.
It’s amazing the things you find by googling: “hot raunchy monkey sex with lesbian electronics”! And to think, you’re a runner too!
Joking.
Be thankful – That’s actually a pretty modern and quite flattering VO2 mask as compared to the usual plastic “airplane emergency oxygen” looking things, complete with industrial clothespin for the nose!
Kenza eat your heart out, look how dorky your Mom looks!
You should have to wear that lovely accessory every time Kenza wears her head gear…;)
It’s equally likely that your muscles cramp due to electrolyte loss by Mile 17, unless you’re already replenishing additional sodium and potassium on top of sports drinks (since those are still more dilute than blood). Just a thought!
I would warn u about those raunchy monkey sex. Those will drive u to Zone 5. U better wear that HRM to make sure u are not going over your AT :)…
Geeky mask indeed.
Love the new header. The smart alex in me asks, “How about quotation marks?” Run like hell and get the agony over with Clarence DeMar? I won’t even mention hot raunchy monkey sex here.
We have the technology…
The mask and printout thing make me think of the “Gatorade Sport Science Institute,” which always looks so…SCIENTIFIC in the commercials and gets me all intrigued. Very cool.
Sounds like a pretty cool process. Us geeky runners like to hear about those things.
Another hilarious but yet highly informative Susan. I gotta find me a spare pancreas or two to get that same treatment!
I was about to doze off until I saw my name mentioned. Are you sure you gave your lung and spare pancreas it to “THE DEVIL” and not just some cheap knock-off claiming to be the devil. I don’t remember receiving those particular gifts. I mean I get a lot of things thrown my way, especially souls (BORING), but I don’t remember any lungs recently. Please check your receipt (the REAL devil would have given you a receipt for your donation).
I’m thinking you look a little wild and dangerous in that “Silence of the lambs” outfit!
I must admit, I am a geek ….. *giving you a moment to get over your shock* … I read this post with utmost concentration and hung on every word.
yay for HRMS! do it do it do it!! then blog about it!
also, the blue mask matches your eyes, so it’s not all bad. 🙂
Cool…
Did you find out your maximum HR (a la that post from a few weeks ago)? It seems like it’s pretty high!
So slower equals faster equals more fat burning?? I’m so there.
I think this is just a photo of your kinky sex life and all this running/VO2 shit is made up.
“I must admit, I am a geek ….. *giving you a moment to get over your shock* … I read this post with utmost concentration and hung on every word.”
—>That’s because he was desperately hoping to come across “nipple clamps” in your blog.
Now that you have the mask, you’re all set for Sweden’s best latex bars.
Congrats on running slower and burning more fat. Jeez! Lucky beeyoch!
I’m glad you have a heart Susan. That will help you run.
Different types of running will help you… low heart-rate for fat burning and faster running so races don’t take so long. If you just do ‘fat-burning’ you’ll be a slow runner with a small ass.
Very hi tech and geeky Susan but you do look quite fetching in the mask!
Loved the Hormone Alert in the previous entry! I think the males in my household are pretty well clued up on what to expect and what to do!
Ha now I know why I kept having weird dreams about a woman in a mask. I woke up wondering what the heck that was all about. I had scanned thru your blog yesterday but did not have time to read it and so I must have registered the mask picture. By the way in my dream you weren’t killing anybody just periodically a woman in my mask would just wander across my dream screen. Sort of like a movie extra!
That’s very cool info to have. So you get to keep the crazy looking mask???
Great information Susan!
I always knew you were running too hard. Especially when one of your posts eluded to a hr of 180 bpm! That’s super high. But, what do I know, I’m jut a fat kid with a muffin. Glad you got tested, and yes, the geeky stuff totally does it for me too.
Benny
Why am I far of all that stuff??
Those numbers are very clear and useful, I think they could even work for me…
And look, as I was training every day trying to do my best I just discovered that slowing down does work!!
Wow, you do post about running:) I visit your blog, but I am not too good at sexual comments online. Though mask indeed looks inviting…
Wow! What a teaser opening! But I was really looking for lesbian sex, drunken electronics, and gratuitous blogging. Wait, that doesn’t make sense. Ok, lesbian sex, electronic blogging, and gratuitous drunks. Argh!
Ok, actually, just looking for lesbian sex.
Very cool. I’d like one in red please.
Where’d you go to get this done? Will the PTs at my gym be as new-age and science-endowed as yours?
I found the post really interesting BTW…I learned I’m not the only wife who hates cleaning her Husband’s bathroom…
And to think I thought VO2 was a sexy brand of Canadian Whiskey… :wink, wink:
Love the site!
I’d love to get my Vo2Max tested, but I am afraid at what it might tell me!
The Hannibal Lecter school of fitness has got a sexy new spokesmodel.
How much and where did you get it done??? (!)
Wait. You guys clean your husbands bathrooms???
Not. Fair.
Very interesting information your getting. i have been trying to get my vo2 max tests done on the bike and run but running into cash conflicts. Damn outta pocket training.