If you’ve come to my blog for the gratuitous sex, lesbian electronics or drunken blogging – today is not your day. I’m not exactly sure why you would want to continue reading, but I figure there might be a handful of equally geeky runners who actually read my blog for the posts about running. So let’s weed out the perverts and get to the heart of Susan.
After selling my left lung and a spare pancreas to the Devil, I had the rare opportunity to work with a personal trainer to find out my personal threshold heart rate number and training zones. The VO2 Max test proved to be a worthwhile adventure especially considering my recent concerns with cardiac explosion.
It’s amazing the information that can be gathered from thirty minutes on a treadmill. My part was pretty simple – put the mask on, hook up to a computer and then walk, run and run really, really hard.
As you can see, it was an extremely glamorous process. I find the bulging veins in my head particularly attractive. Apparently so did Michael, I found the mask on the bedside this morning – I have my suspicions that he tried to slip it on me after I passed out last night. I digress; this is about my heart rate not my sex life. No wait, maybe he just wanted me to clean his bathroom?
Anyhow, a few clicks of the computer keys later and a six page profile all about the heart of Susan pops out. Simply amazing – I have a heart!
The first was a Fat Utilization profile, which basically told me that I need to run SLOWER to get faster and burn fat. Makes no sense to me, but hey – I get to run slower and get faster while burning fat – time to lick the personal trainer! The second profile gave similar information but showed that as I become more fit, the higher percentage of fat calories I will burn at higher intensities. Cool. Another profile gave me a Metaboic Assessment which is a snapshot of my body’s caloric expenditure during different levels of excercise.
The next profile told me my Aerobic Base (AB) was 156 beats per minute and Anaerobic Threshold Heart Rate (AT) was 173 – the AT represents the level of exercise I can sustain over an extended period of time before I start building lactic acid in my muscles (I think this is right, so play along, I’m new to this HR stuff). This, as trainer explains, is why my legs start to cramp around mile 17. And, if work on increasing the AT that won’t happen (as soon). I am the only one that finds this fascinating?
There is so much more information but this groovy chart basically sums it all up.
The whole experience was astoundingly geeky and just as overwhelming. I can’t think of any other information that would have made this experience more beneficial for my training. Except maybe a solid, written declaration of smaller thighs. If that were the case, I would have thrown the personal trainer on the ground and had some hot raunchy monkey sex.