I’m really depressed about my failure to do the cleanse, and about the constant issues I have with food. I mean, it’s food! It should be there to be eaten and enjoyed…but it’s never that simple.
Before I go on, a warning. This could be long and boring, but it was cathartic for me to write, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who struggles with eating issues.
I was going to do another video blog today, but I’m just not in the mood. I’m also not sure the internet needs another video of me looking green and gaggy. I finished off Day 2 of my cleanse by not doing the cleanse. I had a combination of the remaining lemonade stuff and raw vegetables. I also had an egg for breakfast. Oh, and coffee. Because if I’m going to go off the cleanse, why not go all the way and add toxins to my body?
However, the coffee did its job, and I was able to make it through the day. Eventually, I am going to have to be weaned from the nipple of Mother Caffeine, but today is not that day. The coffee cleared my brain and I spent the day pondering all the diets I’ve tried over the years. And these are just the ones I can remember:
- Barley Grass supplements
- Eat Right 4 Your Blood Type
- Various ephederas
- South Beach – 2 times
- Weight Watchers – 3 times
I’m sure if I try harder I could list more. That’s pretty pathetic considering I’ve tried all of these within the last nine or so years. It wasn’t until I got pregnant that I had to worry about my weight. When I gave birth to my daughter I weighed 225 pounds. The weight gain was tough on my body because I only weighed 112 when I became pregnant. In nine months I had doubled my weight, and stretched my abdominal area beyond recognition.
Three months later I was down to 160, in six months I was down to 130 and in a year I was down to 104 pounds. I maintained that weight for several years, but I credit this to a series of hardships including moving across the country, a totaled car, many sleepless nights with a newborn baby, the loss of my grandmother and while I’m not proud of it, I lost the most weight during the time I was on the “divorce diet”, where I got down to 97 pounds, which is what I weighed most of my high school and early college days. Looking back now, that was probably too thin. But it was the last time I can remember not being obsessed about my weight.
I gradually worked my way up to 117 pounds and I stayed at that weight for another few years. I complained and I whined and I felt sorry for myself because I was so overweight at 117 pounds. And as much as I complained, I never did anything to change it. I continued to eat fast food for lunch everyday and did very little exercising. I was a lazy on/off exerciser.
A few years later when I married Michael I weighed 124 pounds. I remember being embarrassed to have our wedding pictures made. I couldn’t believe I let myself get heavy. That didn’t stop me, I continued to gain weight and when I got up to 136 pounds. I knew I had to do something so I continued with this myriad of different diets.
Michael’s obsessive need for fitness and cycling inspired me and I decided to take up running again. I figured that if I could run a marathon the weight would just fall off. I ran White Rock that year, but sadly, I did not lose any weight. I was, however, a lot trimmer and even better, I got hooked on running. I immediately started training for my second marathon, Austin Freestyle, and late into the training I got bronchitis and got down to 127 pounds. My weight fluctuated, but I was able to maintain around this weight for a while, although I still was satisfied with my weight.
I believe I started this blog when I was training for my third marathon, Chicago. I was around 130 pounds and I remember on the day I ran, I weighed around 136 pounds. The next year I ran the San Diego marathon and I weighed around 130 pounds.
I’ve had a lot of life changes in 2006 – I left my job, started a business, and had personal and family concerns. But my weight has always been the center of my thoughts. And I hate this. I hate that, post-holidays, I’m now over 140 pounds. I hate that I actually researched gastric bypass surgery. I hate that I obsessively complain to coworkers, family, and friends about my food issues. I’ve spent the last ten years letting this obsession interfere with practically every aspect of my life.
I’d love to be able to say that I have made a decision, one way or another. But I haven’t. Just as my issues with food aren’t simple, neither is learning how to resolve them. Michael continues to inspire me. I will keep on running. I have a lot of thinking to do before I make the next move.
And for those of you who made it this far, there is a reward: Hot raunchy lesbian monkey sex on a bike. There…that should please the Google-searchers. Because you can’t google a video!