Imaginary Person (IP): Hey Runner Susan! How’s the running going?
RS: Running, who me? Nahhhh, I don’t do that anymore. Running sucks. But thanks for asking.
IP: But you are Runner Susan? I thought you loved running. What happened?
RS: Running was a bitch and hacked off my left foot, and the severe pain I’m left with has taken all the joy out of running and turned it into an ungrateful pain in the ass. But that’s a long story and a post for another day.
IP: Sounds brutal. So how’s the rolling going?
RS: Great. Except my vagina is giving me grief again.
IP: But I thought you bought a really expensive vagina-friendly saddle to solve that problem?
RS: Indeed I did. But I’ve discovered the saddle is only vagina-friendly if you slather your hoo-hoo with Aquaphor. They forgot to put that on the packaging.
IP: I see. But that doesn’t explain why your hair is so unusually blonde in the video.
RS: I know, that’s a long story too – but briefly, I decided that having a red streak would be fun but instead it turned out looking like more of a tomato-red headband. Then it took nearly 4 hours of bleaching to make it look somewhat normal again. Now I glow. In a bad way.
IP: Well you are doing great in the video, but is there a reason you stop and take coffee breaks every five minutes or so?
RS: Why yes, I was out of breakfast wine.
RS: Also, if you notice I switch over to the hardest gear about 1:58 into the video and I’m working really hard even though I make it look effortless.
IP: You do make it look effortless, but why stay in the hard gear so long?
RS: I was bouncing a little too much, if you catch my drift. And in the harder gear I can go one-handed occasionally and don’t need to use my death grip. I’m talented like that.
IP: Gotcha. So who ya talking to towards the end of the video?
RS: Oh, that was my stud-boy, Rowdy, checking me out.
IP: Yeah, he is the studliest stud I’ve ever seen.
RS: I’m thinking of getting him a basket to put on the bike so he call roll with me.
IP: You are a genius. I think that is the smartest thing I’ve ever heard.
RS: I know – my brain is as gifted as my rolling.
IP: Nice talking to ya, and way to go getting into those drops at the end of the video.
RS: You too, and thanks, see ya around.