Internet People, thank you for your input on the Facebook situation. Everyone had valid points in one-way or another, and the information was very helpful.
We talked to Kenza last night. She knows what she did is wrong and she does feels really bad. But what she did was dishonest and there are consequences. I still say 13 means 13, but I’m not the only one making the decision. Being a part of a blended family can be complicated sometimes. Her dad thinks it is okay for her to have a Facebook account. Michael and I don’t. Her dad does agree, however, that it was wrong to lie about it. That means we all had to come up with a compromise.
Some may think this is too harsh, others too lenient, but we decided that we wait a month or so and if Kenza can control the sassy mouth she’s had lately, be respectful to her parents and show us she’s responsible enough to use it, I will open her a Facebook account, since I’m over 13. (Technically I’ll be the one lying, but hopefully she won’t know that.) We’ll do it together and talk about the privacy policies, what is appropriate and what is not, and we’ll talk about child predators. The amount of time she spends on the computer for social stuff is limited and she also has to friend all 4 of her parents. Another general agreement was there is no computer in her room. Until she is 42. I remind Kenza all the time that she is so lucky she has four parents who love her so much, and even though she’ll make a lot of mistakes that will never change.
Kenza is a really good kid, but I know this is just the beginning of many things that will happen, and I’m sure there will be worse. Kids do stupid things sometimes, there just isn’t any way around it. She’s going to make a lot of mistakes, I’m going to make a lot of mistakes and I’m certain she is going to do a lot of things I will never know about. I tell her all the time that if she makes a mistake and I hear about it from her first, it will always be better than if I hear it from another parent, a teacher, or heaven help me, a police officer. We’ll all live and learn.
I’ve never handled affairs of the heart very well. Last year Kenza begged me to have lunch with her everyday at school, and on the days I was able she would smile and wave uncontrollably when she spotted me walking down the hall to the lunchroom. This year every thing I do seems to embarrass her. We talked about that too and she really couldn’t come up with anything specific; the simple fact that I was her mother was embarrassing enough. Although, she did ask is it would be okay if she started calling me Mom instead of Mommy. My heart sunk a little, but I told her, yes, that would be okay.
Awww…poor susan. At least she didn’t ask to call you “Susan”.
I am going to cryogenically freeze my son so he can’t get any older.
She is lucky to have a mom (mommy) like you who cares so much. Most kids I come across these days don’t have that luxury.
The ages 13-18 are definitely challenging. Someday, you will go back to the “cool mom”. LOL
I am the stepmom to 4 girls (now ages 21, 23, 26 and 27). I’ve been with them since the youngest was 5. I would say the key for successfully getting through these years is to have open communication – especially when you have blended families. You are so right, she is lucky to have four parents that love her so much. 🙂
It’s all good! THIS is why God made wine. LOL
Nice. I’m with Flatman…mine’s just under 3 and perfect right now. I know what I was like and I know what I am in for and I am not looking forward to it.
At least she’s just trying to call you “mom” now. I remember what my sister used to call my mom…it sometimes had the word “mother” in it….but it wasn’t exactly the same…
Suzie, I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but with a 13 year old and a 17 year old it hasn’t gotten easier yet. 🙁 My kids make me proud, angry, heartbroken, frustrated, and so many more things sometimes all in one day! I will tell you that you have to pick your battles and let some things slide. Lying/dishonesty is the ONE THING above all else that my kids know I do not compromise on.
Sleepless nights unfortunately are part of parenting a teen just like when they were infants. Heck sometimes teenagers act like babies. It sounds like you are a great mom Suzie and Kenza is a super lucky girl to have so many parents who are committed to helping through the difficult teen years. Hang in there, I am realizing that before your know it they are going to be grown and gone and I for one am not one bit ready for that!!!!
Tweens can’t explain why they wish for people to think they hatched from an egg and are being raised parentless. They just do. It’s hard.
It’s going to get worse before it gets better – because she’s not 13 year. 13 is hard. Better get that valium prescription now.
Suz,
A little old man friend of ours told us when Alex got here that “She will be the most rewarding and frustrating thing in your life”! I think of him often and what he told us that day! Hang tough girl!
I had to learn it a couple of years ago: “Mom” is a title…the same as they call their teacher “Mrs. So-and-so”. You are still “mommy” even if she wants to call you “mom” now.
Given the number of time I checked to see if you’d posted a follow-up, I think I’d like that password. *blush*
I don’t have kids, but it sounds to me like you are doing it right 🙂 Kenza is lucky to have such a great mom!
i’m sure it never gets easier. you just forget things. my mom has this silly idea that my teen years were wonderful. she doesn’t remember the fights or anything. good. i feel bad. don’t we all? who goes through the teen years smoothly?
just think about the adult she’ll become because of the love for her.
i remember getting the talk about putting things in writing. there was no facebook back then, obviously, but there were the same dangers: gossiping in writing (can’t take it back)
teaming up (remember the party line trick?)
judging oneself by the number of friends one has.
i remember the moms of my students bitching to me about them during those tween and early teen years. now the kids are in 12th to sr year college. the same parents are so proud of what their kids have become. like our own moms, they don’t actively remember those bitchy times.
good luck.
Aw – always good to hash this stuff out and communicate rather than let it simmer. I hear you about the sassy mouth..in my house ATTITUDE big time. I have the rule about no PC and no TV in the room but recently just figured out that he can surf the net on his Itouch and PSP. Always two steps ahead of me.
You do it right Susan.
And mistakes are thinks for learn for all.
small children, minor problems, older children, major problems!.
And same times let the parents problems let go and you will see the problems are not so big !.
Goodluck Susan and you now the answers.
Rinus.
You know they are growing up when it goes from mommy/daddy to mom and dad. Sigh. We can’t keep them babies and innocent forever.
I think I’ll just cut and paste your compromise and propose it to my daughter as well. Including the part about the sassy mouth. It must be the age because it seems to cross state lines.
Susan, I think you made the right decision. I hope that this transition continues to be smoothly, but I honestly promise myself that it will not happen. I just wish that my kids did not grow up so fast.
It gets easier when they go to college and miss you and call you late at night in tears needing your support. Some of the parts before that are great and some are hard. They have to cut the cord and they aren’t very graceful about it sometimes.
Let me just say YES! to no computer in her room. Nothing ruins family life and communication more than kids having TVs and computers in their rooms. Such a bad idea- I never allowed it. The kids had 1 computer and it was in the family room and I kept my finger on the pulse of what they were doing at all times.
You did well Susan. “Mom” instead of “Mommy” is some definition of reaching that particular age.
42 for a computer in her room is a bit harsh though. Let her have one at 29 – if she’s still in her room – I hope she’s not!
You did good, Susan. Keeping the dialog open now will make future issues that much easier to deal with. Like when she wants to marry “Snake” and name the baby after him because he had better tongue piercings than the other guys in the motorcycle gang.
🙂
Just kidding. Breathe.
Hey Susan. Disclaimer – I’m not a parent, so I really don’t know what I’m talking about, but in reference to appropriateness of posting things on the internet you could always use the example of Michael Phelps and his bong picture. If you think she’d understand, you could explain the ins and outs of that situation and how a stupid little thing that he thought was harmless (probably) cost him a lot of sponsorship money and respect. From what you tell us about Kenza she seems to be mature enough to understand something like that. It’s a GREAT example of how personal time actions can disrupt our professional lives.
Re: Her not calling you Mommy – My younger brother told us when he was 5 that he was too old to be called Johnny anymore. FIVE! Not sure if that makes you feel any better, but…
Yay, great decision!
My parents let me have a computer (Commodore 64) in my room when I was 14. When I was 15, the police showed up at the door with a search warrant and took it away. So, good thinking on the no computer in the room decision.
I made my 13 year old wait until she was 13 and then I opened her FB account for her and made her make me a friend. I hope she never feels like she has anything to hide from me.
I also told them that if they ever called me “mother” I would beat them…they still call me “Mommy,” even my 17 year old.