They took my freaking kidney*

Over five years ago I wrote a post about my uterus and the discovery of my fibroid tumors. I had two small tumors embedded in my uterine wall and one small pedunuculated tumor on the outside of my uterus. The peduculated fibroid grows from a stalk on the outside of the uterus . . . and because it’s just hanging there the tumor takes every opportunity it can to be as kinky as possible – twisting and turning and pinching and causing me all kinds of problems. They were small but still troublesome and the doctor tried this and that and this until we found something that worked and surgery was avoided and other than the occasion gerbil with sharp teeth invading my uterus, life was good again.

A few years ago I slowly started feeling really tired. All. The. Freaking. Time.  I blamed it on fighting gas, getting old and gaining weight. The only logical thing to do, right?

Logical until one day not long ago I found myself in so much pain that I walked into the doctor’s office saying I’m not leaving until you find out what’s wrong with me. So, once again, I was in stirrups, staring at the ceiling and being felt up by instruments. Only this time I find out that Mr. Kinky is the size of a cantaloupe (9.8 cm) and the two embedded tumors are now baseballs and have brought few other rookies to play along.

Then with another “wham, bam thank you ma’am” I found myself in a baby blue hospital gown being rolled down a hallway by unicorns into the dark caves of Candy Mountain where I would have a hysterectomy.  That was Tuesday.

And today, I remember it exactly as it happened. Aren’t drugs wonderful?

I know exactly what you are thinking? RS, you did take a camera into surgery didn’t you? Well, duh! Doesn’t everyone. And the surgeon was kind enough to oblige my need to see the multiple ginormous hunks-o-tumor I was growing.

So let’s get down to business and shun those non-believers.

 

Are.

 

You.

 

Ready?

 

They say everything is bigger in Texas. I reckon that makes everything in Gasland mega-make-believe-sized.  I’d show you my stitches, but then you might tag me as porn.  During the gutting process they discovered that Mr. Kinky Cantaloupe was more like Siamese grapefruit twins, the baseballs were more like racquetballs (inside the red thing know known as RS’s Former Uterus) and they discovered a surprise litter of pedunulated gerbils. What is life without surprises?

So now it’s Friday and I’m sitting here in Gasland doped up on Vicodin wondering if anything I’m typing is spelled correctly or coherent. I honestly doubt it because the meds give me double-vision. I have a real excuse this time so be nice.

For the next six weeks my running shoes will be on the shelf. Waiting. I hope when I recover fully, I start to feel better. Because right now I feel like poop. Feeling like poop doesn’t make good for anything except more poop.  It seems only fair that if I can grow giant tumors, I should be able to grow some super-hero running legs. I’ll let you know how that is going in six weeks.

Alrighty then, I’m going to drift back to sleep with the soothing white noise sounds of compressors and fracking.

Oh, and in case you are wondering – having your gut ripped open and your innards pulled out – is a lot easier than fighting gas bastards.

 

*I reckon there needs some clarification – It’s not really a kidney.  Just ask Charlie.

Categories: Full of Happiness, Health

30 comments

  • Carrie

    Ack! Can’t believe that was invading space in your body. Running should feel so much better when you recover! Happy healing.

  • Katie

    Hope you feel better soon! Thanks for the pics. I love pictures of people’s guts. Ask Amy. She showed me hers as well. I could not have been more excited when I realized you were serious about posting graphic content. BTW, your post was very coherent for a woman hopped up on pain killers and recovering from major surgery. Well done!

  • Laura

    OMG! I hope you get well soon and are back to running with superhuman running legs in 6 weeks.

  • Jennifer P

    Wow. Your post is very well written. Can I have some drugs too?

    And I am so glad that you will feel better after this is all through. I will name our next goat after you.

  • Jon (was) in Michigan

    EGADS!!!

    I’m so glad they got the giant goober things out of you, Susan. I hope you are feeling better soon.

    I can only imagine how much faster you’ll run, without the tired feeling. Uh, and with 10 pounds of less weight to carry.
    Jon (was) in Michigan´s last blog post ..back to the ortho

  • Debbie

    OK, I can’t believe you took photos! I hope you feel better without it.

    I hated Vicodin when they put me on it – I was having nightmares when I was asleep and major mood swings when I was awake. Or, at least I was blaming the mood swings on the Vicodin…

  • Peggy

    I would like to know why having to surrender your girl parts is a right-of-passage for life in the gas patch.

  • Denise "MNFirefly"

    OMG! I had my hysterectomy at age 28 after painful years of endo and painful scar tissue. Thankfully I never had monsters attached to my uterus. Instead, it is everywhere else nearby. As a veteran, take your time recovering. I ended up staying in the hospital for 4 days afterward and enjoyed every minute of it (especially the drugs!). Plus the use of a pillow on your lap is extremely helpful and lessens the pain of the incisions as well. Do check out Hystersisters.com as well. Great website! :)

    Get well soon!
    Denise “MNFirefly”´s last blog post ..Physical Therapy- GRE- PsychopathologyOH MY!

  • 21stCentury Mom

    Wow- I had no idea you had to have a hysterectomy. So sorry. And I don’t mean because the gerbils will now be homeless.

    I hope you feel better soon. And that you never feel bad again.

    Hugs,
    Your (other) Mom

  • Juls

    “OMFG” is right. Those things are huge. I can’t imagine how you must have been feeling.

    I hope that you are feeling better and better each day.
    Hugs,
    Juls

  • Julie

    Susan! I am so glad you went to the Dr. and demanded he take care of you. Those tumors are huge, sucking away your energy and giving you pain. I hope you recover as quickly as I. I can see why he couldn’t perform a vaginal hysterectomy . Holy crap. Heal up and rest!

  • Beth

    OMG! As a frustrated two-year-nursing-student turned teacher, that pic is amazing!!! Thank you for sharing! Now get better soon.

  • Mike H.

    HOLY COW! I had kidney stones removed last fall by ultra-shock. I didn’t mind the vicodin afterward. But, all that was nothing like this. Well, another picture to gross my sons out with…

    Get well. No more PMS, eh? My mother in law had fibroids, but thankfully my wife has not had an issue with them. I have know some women who have gone through hell with endo.

  • Flatman

    OMG. Please feel better Susan…I am so sorry. Hoping this will make you feel much better (how could it not?)!

  • Jackie

    Oh Susan! You must have been in such severe pain! I hope you are feeling better soon and I am praying for you a speedy recovery. Please take care of yourself!

  • Petra

    OK. I am paying for being a totally shitty friend by reading this WAY later and being totally unprepared for those photos. Jeez louise honey no wonder you were in pain! Those things are HUGE! Very gross that you brought your camera but you’re fabulous anyway.

    Hope by now you are feeling a bit better? Happier? We’ve got to get our heads together and plan a race.

    Love you! me
    Petra´s last blog post ..On setting goals – Mann macht und Gott lacht

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