Runner Susan

Coming Out

By 27 Comments

Yeah, so most of you Internet people have already figured out that I’m getting divorced. I could go on but I’m going to have to leave it right there. Between the divorce and the massive upheaval that took more than two years of my life (that I’m not going to talk about because of the firing squad waiting for me on the other side of the front door if I talk about it), I felt as though my life was unraveling slowly and painfully at the seams. Between emotion and exhaustion, I was wresting a bear that kept telling me YOU. CANNOT. DO. THIS. And I wasn’t sure if I could. It was so hard. It is still hard. But you know what? At the end of it all, I beat the bear.

Kenza and I moved into a small house about six weeks ago. Moving didn’t go without its hiccups, but every time I’d turn around another friend was there to help. I just hope they can all feel the love right now because I am so grateful they are all a part of my life. Things are finally settling down and, as cliché as it sounds, this house feels like home. And moving from a home where escaping suffocation wasn’t an option – its relief to feel at home.

I know I cheated on y’all with another blog for a few years, but I’m back over here now. And hopefully I’ll stay here as I try and put the pieces of my life back into an organized fashion.

I’m not sure what to say, but my life is heading in a better direction now – although, I have absolutely no clue where I’m going. And holy mother of relief  it is so wonderful to feel again. I was numb for so long. I still have much processing to do and of course, there is a lot of self-imposed therapy. On most nights, therapy consists of a sharp knife, a glass of wine and an introspective dinner on the patio. And sometimes it is walking in endless circles. But the therapy I look forward to the most is the therapy I get on my weekend trail runs with my good friend, Peggy.

We’ve encountered a lot of things on the trails, from running 18-miles off course to being chased by a pack of wild hogs – and just for good measure throw in a few rattlesnakes and just about a million other things in between. You learn to embrace those things and just roll with it and deal with whatever the next trail run throws at you – it’s the most excitement I get these days.

Now we are going to add a million and one into the mix.

We had a good pace today and intense therapy decompression threw us further into the woods than we normally go, and right before we got to a point where we are ready to turn back, we see four men who we think are poaching. A few seconds of inspection later we realize that these four men were not poaching, but doing something else all together. We saw four, grizzly men not poaching and not happy to be discovered while they were not poaching.

We flew by them so fast I’m not sure they had time to process what just happened. We weren’t able to stop. We really didn’t want to stop. We didn’t really know what to do and eventually we got to a point where we paused on the trail and came up with a plan. And the plan was to turn around and run back as fast as we could. Hopefully they were gone, but if not we figured we could outrun them. Three of the men were, um, huge and round and we knew we could outrun them, but one was tiny – he might catch us.

Nothing is more scary than thinking four men who are not poaching and surprised to be discovered not poaching might want to convince two cute trail runners of their true manliness in unconventional, non-poaching kind of ways.

While our plan to run like hell may not have been our brightest, we couldn’t stay in the middle of the woods forever. We had no phone and no mace. (I know and shut up.) We moved forward with the plan and we did pass them – they didn’t look very happy to see us again. We flew by and our plan to be not poached was successful. A bit later, we heard maniacal laughter and the sound of motorcycles. We expected they were gone.

Today we ran faster than the day we were chased by wild hogs. On the way home we noted a smell – a new smell. Now, during these running adventures over the past few years, we’ve pretty much experienced them all – a whole lot of stinky stink is the easiest way to put it. But today is also the first day I think we’ve ever smelled fear. It kind of smells like vomit and sweat mixed with a little urine and disinfectant. It is hard to explain but imagine the first breath you take after you’ve stepped into the geriatric wing of a hospital. Not good. Especially when you realize that smell is oozing from your own body.

One would expect we’d be scared out of our minds – and yes, we were especially as we were playing the “what could have happened” game through our heads, as we contemplated calling the police, and deciding what to do. In the end, we decided not to call the police. Instead, we leaned against the car and ate watermelon. The best damn watermelon you can ever imagine.

Another run, another story. On the ride home, I just smiled because it is so good to feel again.

(Sorry to those of you who thought this blog would turn into a lesbian panty party. Its just a divorce closet. Unless Rachel Maddow asks me to marry her – then we gotta have some talks.)

Comments

  1. ((hugs)) I had a suspicion that something was not alright in your world. You have my 100% support especially because I have been down that road twice. Things will get better. Fear can be good and bad, but sometimes we have to look at fear right in the face and do something that scares the sh** of us.

    Feel free to reach out to me if you need to vent.

  3. Long time reader de-lurking here to say how sorry I am to read of your divorce. I know how hard it must be for you but YOU CAN DO THIS, and you will come through this. How lucky you are to have a friend like Peggy, we could all do with someone like her in our lives.

    As for being chased by wild hogs… yikes!

    And double yikes for the fat grizzly men! Be careful out there. After reading about two women runners being murdered this year I’ve stopped running alone in rural areas, never know what crazies are out there these days.

    All the best to you and Kenza.

  4. That melon came from Denton County Farmer’s Market. Blalock’s. Pretty sure they are up by Pilot Point. Can’t wait until the melons in my garden are ready.

  5. You have a great fan and friend base. We are happy to see you running again, but hope it’s more fun than Deliverance next time.

    We are stretching out a cyber trampoline for you.

  7. Another delurker here and i want to just take this time to tell you i’m really sorry for what you are going through. also i want to be the first to extend an invitation for marriage. or i could just throw you that pantie party while i arrange your shoe collection while pouring you a glass of wine.

  9. Oh baby – you’ve had a rough old time! I’m so happy that you are turning a corner – less happy than when you turn it you see 4 guys not poaching! Peggy sounds like a superstar and running is great therapy. As is wine. The sharp knife? Watch it.

    Sending you massive hugs. And as for lesbian? Make me an offer. X

  11. Susan, hugs and thoughts coming your way. Must say I was kinda shocked when I saw those FB posts and read between the lines. Happy though that you’re opening the next chapter in your exciting and crazy life.

    Tell David and Petra to get in line! Hope you keep playing for our team (not that there’s anything wrong with the other one).

  13. Yikes….didn’t expect that post….sorry to hear it …..hang in there girl

  14. I thought your absence here was due to the move & water lawsuit.

    You had me going about “coming out” for a moment. A gal I dated came out about 10 years after that.

  15. So glad you finally came out and that you are back to feeling. I am not a poacher but I will totally kick your ass over Rachel.

  16. Thanks, All. For the record, I’m in a happy place right now and have a circle that I’m not ready to deviate from.

    21centMom, you know the blog. Think, not really cheating.

    Dirk, not sure how you made it past the spam filter but thank you for keeping it clean.

    Mia, Love the FB pic.

    Petra, lets start your site.

    Jon, send chocolate and all is forgiven.

    Sharon, We will flip a coin over Rachel.

    Ewen, if I ever make it to Australia you will be the first person I call.

  17. You were a mess when I saw you not long ago and now you are writing blog posts. Don’t know what got you over that hump, but its nice to know you are finally acting normal again. Well, that is if anyone would actually consider anything you do normal. Freak. Love ya. Starbucks soon?

  18. HEY! what the hell is going on over here, and why am I alway last?!?!

    Please save me space on your dance card, I’ve had a crush on you since WAY before all these other losers! And 21st c mom is visiting you? That is totally awesome!!

    Personally, I can’t wait for the post about your 2nd coming out–out of that crazy-ass state you live in! Now that will be something worth celebrating!

    Meanwhile, stay strong–which I know you will. You are the sexiest, smartest, funniest woman I know. Anyone who who doesn’t get that is by definition insane, or at the very least, dumber than dirt.

    Rock on with your bad self, and please don’t hang around any more non-poaching men. that is all.

  19. I hope the water is better on the other side of the fence! I’m glad you’re back to blogging and to letting us all back into your world.

  20. Don’t believe a word she says. She sits on her patio in boxers with a book her comptuter a glass of wine and her CAT TIED TO A STICK. She’s going to be a spinster before she is 43.

  22. I figured out the move and was so happy you were getting away from the bad gas stuff, but I didn’t know about the divorce. Never easy on anyone. I’m so glad to hear that life is moving on. Gosh, if you don’t feel…well, that’s not much of a life. Feel every day. Love to you!

  24. I am happy that you and Kenza are happy with your furry friends in your own house. I’m happy that the men didn’t get you. I’m happy that you are enjoying running through the woods on the trail. You deserve happiness!!

  25. Wow, thought I’d check in this month and huge changes took place! Hoping you’re now on the path to happiness. Best to you and Kenza during this time. And running is the best therapy, but that story! So glad you made it out of there.

  26. Well, I guess the blogging hit a wall again. I can understand. Mine’s been dormant almost all year. But I’m back and you should be too … here. It’s where we’ve craved and loved you since 2004 (with Jeanne).

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