If you remember last year, my Martini Twin and I did our first tri together – it was great, except for the part where I didn’t know how to swim and freaked out.

Totally and completely freaked out.

Which, having never really swam before, was a completely understandable thing to do. But I was determined to finish – in all my years of running and racing, I’ve yet to DNF. I’ve walked, crawled and cried over a few finish lines, but I’ve always finished. That may not necessarily be a good thing, but as long as my legs are in tack, it’s a record I aim to keep.

I’d be damned if I was going to let a small thing like not know how to swim keep me from having fun at my next tri. So, in January of this year, in preparation for that next tri, I started taking swimming lessons, 3 times a week. And, Internet People, believe it or not I learned how to swim. Nothing record breaking, but I got to where I wasn’t constantly choking on water.  I actually got to a point where I even ENJOYED going to swim.  Take that evil water! It’s the small miracles in life that make my world go round.

So last Saturday, the Chef and I loaded up the bikes, all the gear and Cherry Berry and headed to Oklahoma for my second tri – the Lighthouse Sprint Tri. We drove for three hours with Cherry Berry loving us, without restraint, every mile of the way. The drive was just as annoying as the gif –>.

We arrived. We picked up packets. We planned. We modeled our cute new outfits. We had a fantastic dinner that night with the husbands – at a restaurant that apparently was run by some secret underground vampire clan. Really. Then we had more fun.

See. Girl fun. Boy fun. We do look good in vampire red!

Who do you want to party with? Horny red vampire girls or smiley cycling boys?

I rest my case.

We got up the next morning and headed to the start line. I felt great, having prepared for six months for the 500-yard swim so I felt pretty confident. In fact, oozing with confidence one might say.

Where’s Waldo?

But the strangest thing happened as I jumped in the water – I forgot how to swim – completely and totally. AGAIN. It was as if I had never touched water in my entire life.

I’m not exactly sure what happened, except I panicked. And I couldn’t breathe because there was all this water – and people touching me and splashing me. If there is one thing I’ve learned in my 40 years, it is that breathing is better than not breathing and if you splash me I will hit you. So I pulled over to the side, hung onto the rope and let everyone pass me – I was the last person out of the water.  My time was actually almost a minute slower this year with six months of swimming lessons than it was last year when I didn’t know how to do more than dog paddle.

Dead last is humbling, to say the least.

I have no clue what happened. But, I blame gas. I blame everything on gas these days – and rightly so, I might add. Gas sucks.

Anyhoo, the bike went fine. I was slow and tired, but I made it fun.

The run went fine – except for the fact that at the last minute I decided to wear the concrete blocks I refer to as Nike Frees after training in the Vibrams for the last month. I can’t believe it, but I love the Vibrams – even if they are dorkier than dorky looking.

My personal advice to you: never wear these with a cocktail dress – stick with stilettos.

Whatever the case – Martini Tri Twins were the cutest on the course! Of course!

The husbands were the best photographers on the course and best of all was the Rombauer they had waiting for us at the finish line!

I had fun – so much fun – despite my intense fear of not breathing, and having all my hail damage enhanced with wet, shiny, skintight spanky pants.Will I do another tri? Probably. Will I freak out in the water?  Probably.

Whatcha gonna do? Have fun I reckon.

(Please note Chef’s triangle is hogging the photo.)

My friends are fun. I miss fun in my life.  Gas has taken away my fun, and I need some back. I need a little more of me back, for myself and my family.

Cherry Berry had fun too, but she wasn’t very Cherry on the ride home after spending time with her equally as spastic friend, Daisy.

Here I am five weeks after starting my master’s swim class. And I’m still alive; which is hard to believe since heavy rocks are more accomplished at swimming than yours truly. This video is the last 100 yards of our 2000 yard swim this morning – I still have a long, long ways to go, but believe me, it’s a major improvement. And by ‘major’ I mean nothing short of a miracle.

I’m open to suggestions on ways to improve my stroke/speed/irrational fear of death by water.

Five weeks after starting Masters Swim Classes. from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Hello Internet People, I promised more blog and so I must provide; even if it is boring, I am a woman of my word. (How’s that for fancy? Two commas and a semicolon. Although I have no clue if they are correct.)

This past weekend my friends Marta and Milka came to town for a visit, which is always fun – but it’s especially fun when Marta inspires you to get off your ass and run – and so we ran a whole 7 miles – in the really, really, really cold weather. But not as really, really cold as it has been. I have a half marathon in less than two weeks and I’m only up to seven miles. (Don’t tell Jeanne!)

On that first 7 mile run in I count how many days, I was also able to try out my new kicks, a pair of Nike Free’s I ordered off eBay. They felt very strange on the first run – but I bet I need more than one run to get a final verdict – so, I guess I should get to it and start moving.  But so far, way better than the Newtons.

Onto swimming. It is improving – with emphasis on the ING. I’m still the slowest in the C (read: last and slowest) group, but my form is getting better – or so the instructor says. I can now successfully swim 10 lengths of the pool without stopping or drowning. It’s the small miracles we are thankful for, IPs. The small ones.

Today, I must get a run in. I must. I missed swim yesterday because of my sinus infection, but I’m feeling a little better today and the temperature is in the 50s, so I need to get out before the rain sets in for a steady 3-day downpour.

Not much else going on, but this is more than 140 characters, so I think I’m meeting the quota.

I’m on my 6^th lesson with the master’s group and I am yet to be a master swimmer. I’ve belched so much chlorine I should be a pro by now. I still very much like air and I very much hate water in my face. There isn’t much more to say other than I just don’t like swimming and I’m infatuated with air. And to make sure there is no confusion with the other swimmers on the matter:

And no, I’m not modeling the suit, but you get the idea! We can’t have anyone mistaking me for a swimmer just because I’m in the pool.  The hot pink flowers add an extra special touch, I think.

So let’s move on to the cycling. I’ve been involuntarily nominated team manager of Michael’s new cycling team, North Texas Road Team – which has involved setting up the non-for-profit stuff, getting sponsorships, creating the logo, ordering the stickers and designing the outfits. Needless to say it is way more than I bargained for, so I ordered an honorary outfit for myself  – and this I will model for you (because I’m way cuter than anyone else on the team):

I will not, however, model the matching green spanky pants. My ass stretches the pants so much the color doesn’t even appear green anymore, just a pale minty. And the last thing I need is a minty-colored ass. I think someone warned me about the green, but I failed to listen. Maybe a summer tan and a little tinted lip-gloss will offset the minty color a bit?

Other than that, there has been some, but little, cycling for me. Runner Susan’s Cycling Motto: If it’s cold, windy, snowy, rainy or cloudy – don’t ride. I’m delicate that way and thus I become Stationary Susan.

So, let’s move on to Funner Susan. AKA: Social Susan. Let me set the stage: Last year Chef and I went to some friends for dinner and it just happened to be on the Winter Solstice. We had so much fun we decided to do it again this year, but host it at our house.  We’ll have RS’s Chef and our friend Nicole, who is also a REAL LIFE chef, doing most of the cooking.

It’s turned into a 10-course spanktacular extravaganza of food for four couples. I have been busily, busily, busily getting things ready – which involved a lot of me calling my mom and having her ship dishes and glasses. Believe it or not, not many of our dishes matched and for the 2^nd Annual Winter Solstice Celebration, call me picky, but I wanted all things to be matchy matchy and special! Who knows, I might learn to cook some day?

The Menu for the evening:

Appetizers and Apéritif
Kir Royales with assorted Dolmas and Exotic Olives

Herb Marinated Lamb meatballs
Muga Reserva 2005 Tempranillo, Rioja, Spain

Butternut Squash Soup Shots with a Cassoulet Spoon
Gewurztraminer,  2007, Columbia Valley, Washington

Palate Cleanser: Carbonated Kiwi and Pineapple Sorbet

Arugula and Watercress Salad with Quail Egg and Porcini Fusion Salt
Shibumi Knoll, 2005, Cabernet Sauvignon, Napa Valley, California

Balsamic Roasted Pears

Creme Fresh and White Cheddar Mashed Potatoes

Spanish Matambre

Sweet Potato & Coconut Balls
Shibumi Knoll, 2005, Cabernet Sauvignon, Napa Valley, California

Molten Chocolate Cake with Mint Foam and Carbonated Raspberries
Graham’s 20 Year Old Tawny Port from Portugal

Dulce de Leche Flan
Inniskillin Vidal, 2006 Canadian Ice Wine

Followed by Irish Coffees and Candy Cane Smores around the Fire Pit

Take a look at this fancy pants setting (thanks to RS’s mother):

And that is not even everything. We’re missing the soup slider shot glass.  And steak knifes. And I still need to get place mats and I think I’m missing a baby spoon for the palate cleanser. I didn’t even know they had baby spoons for adults. I don’t even know where to get them, but I’m hoping that by the time we get to the palate cleanser everyone will be tipsy enough to just pick up there bowls and start eating like dogs – because at this point, I’m totally okay with eating like dogs. I like dogs.  I have three. But how in the hell is all that times eight going to fit on one table.

The grocery shopping begins Friday morning. More on the party after this weekend, I’ll have photos of each process. Hopefully. I’m starting to chunk out the holiday season so if I can’t fit into anything cute, then the camera gets put away.

Okay now, onto the spectacular part. After a year’s hiatus from marathon running, I have decided to run the Okalahoma City Memorial Marathon in April, with fellow Martini Twin, Michelle. Which means, I got lots of training to do. And do I ever mean lots. Any and all advice is appreciated. You know me. You know all about me. Give it to me rough. Tell me the error of my ways and make me a faster runner. Pretty please and thank you.

Oh boy, am I ever tired. These past few months have been exhausting, I’ve missed you guys. Keep watching Internet People, coming up soon I’m giving away some awesome Triathlon wine charms and Running wine charms to the person who suggests the best training plan.

My biggest fear in the entire world is drowning. In Runner Susan’s world, there isn’t much worse than death by drowning. It used to be death caused by a giant hunk of metal plowing me over while I was innocently driving my bike down the road. And before that it was all those crazy psychopaths who I imaged were out following me on my 5 am morning runs.

But by far this fear of drowning is the worst, and my fear of drowning in dark and murky open lake water is far worser (I’m making it a word, so shut it). That being said, I had my first open water swim experience last Sunday. Obviously, I’m still living – but a week later I think I can feel the lake water still sitting in my belly. Souring. Fermenting. Simmering.

I simmered a bit by the water while the group did their first lap. It’s a really, really long lap that reaches way, way, way, way out by the boats. BOATS! I was assured the boats stay on the other side of the buoy, but what’s a tiny buoy compared to a giant-sized boat with a driver who might not be paying attention and take a wrong turn severing my body into two pieces?

I only made it in the water up to my ankles before T had to lead me by the hand, through the muck and into the water. The water – the deep, dark, scary water – the water you can’t see through because the nightmarish cloudy mud color only allows for a tenth of an inch of vision. Despite the nightmare, I did swim to the closest buoy and back with T. I treaded some water and then did two more swims to the buoy and back. I mostly kept my face out of the water, but even so – a little bit of nasty seeped into my mouth.

With my head above water I treaded some more and while everyone else was doing another big lap I looked around the shore and noticed several pails labeled “bait.” BAIT. And then I proceeded to thoroughly FREAK OUT. I don’t belong in places with bait and boats. No sir, I do not belong with bait or boats – and I’ll be honest with you, the bait part freaked me out way more than the boating. Way more.

And please use this picture as fair warning – open water swimming is not as glamourous as, well? anything at all and ever – so always bring a hat if you are planning a run after!

I’m almost certain I will forget something even though I have three bags of things needed for the sprint tri: wine, shoes and other stuff – so I should be all set – and yet there is just so much to take it’s bordering the ridiculous. A new bike would not be bordering ridiculous though, and yet I still don’t have one. No, no I don’t. If anyone out there wants to call or text the Chef and demand a new bike for Runner Susan, I’d find unmentionable and pleasurable ways to reward you.

Anyhow, I’m not freaking out about the totally not pleasurable swim since I really didn’t train AT ALL and since there is no air in the water I am totally prepared to come in last. And hopefully not last by remaining at the bottom of the pool for the rest of my life. I honestly wish Cherry Berry could do the swim for me because I’d totally win. She’s a pro-swimmer that girl.

Here I go. Reporting back on Monday! Hopefully.

(In case you are wondering, Donkey hates the water, hates to run and Michael won’t get him a trailer for the back of his bike)

This weekend the Martini Twins did a mock tri. We’ve never done anything like this before and we had no clue what to expect. We survived and finished in 2:10 and that included our 30 minute swim. And that is when I decided that air is my best friend. Air is good. Air never fails me. And since there is no air under water, the concept of swimming is ridiculous. The exercise called sipping margaritas and floating aimlessly is the only appropriate water exercise.

Saturday we rode 20 miles and ran some and then on Sunday we swam 30 minutes, rode 13 miles and ran 3.2 miles and hung out with the neighborhood rooster for a while – it took us 2 hours and ten minutes. And if it wasn’t for the swimming, I might have some energy left today. Give me a half marathon any day, I say.

Anyhow, fun times, fun recovery and just plain fun hanging with friends!

Here’s some video and you’ll notice how far ahead we are of the pelopton, we’re fast like that. And training, recovery and party pictures for you to enjoy. I’ll post a protected update that does not include us dancing on the tables soon. Seriously, does not have any dancing pictures.

Anyhow, fun times, fun recovery and just plain fun hanging with friends! Pics and video to enjoy.

Tri Training from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

And here’s my feeble attempt at swimming again. The water hates me. It’s trying to kill me. As you can see I’ve made absolutely no improvement. I think I need to give up the water for a while.

Tune in for tomorrow’s extreme leg torture #9 workout.

Swim Practice #4 from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

I know it’s supposed to be hot in Texas, but August and September are particulary unbearable especially with the humidity this week staying in the 60 – 70 percent range.

Tomorrow I have my long run of 12 or maybe more miles and I will start at 5:30 AM and by the time I finish the temps will most likely be in the 90s. I get really crabby by the time I’m finished. I’ve been doing my short runs during the week with my treadmill PIMP. I know it’s cheating, but damn, I haven’t acclimated to the heat as well this year – even though I’m hydrating, electrolyting and wearing sunscreen. I’m such the good girl.

Because of this ridiculous heat (and stupid injury from the Austin Marathon) I’ve been supplementing my runs with leg torture, swimming, and cycling. (I only ran twice in Indiana and I need to make up some lost ground.) I’m still not a strong enough swimmer to get a good cardio workout in the pool, but I’ll keep at it – it’s a welcome relief. I only swam twice this week for 30 minutes because I started to choke and my fear of death took over. Leg torture is giving some strength back. It’s working and I LIKE IT. (Remind me sometime to tell you about my power-lifting extravaganza with my friend Cindy.) I am still in need of some endurance which, in addition to running, is where the cycling comes in. Also, when cycling that occasional lingering pain I still have in my left ankle when I run isn’t there. Is that a real sentence?

Even though I’m slow, the cycling does give me a really good cardio workout. My heart beats just as hard, if not harder sometimes, as when I’m running. (Is that wrong?) On Thursday I rode for an hour with my only goal being to figure out what the left gear was all about. I’m a little scared of the left gear because one time my chain fell off as I was shifting it and I nearly had a heart attack because I was in the middle of no where. Luckily I figured out how to get the chain back on, but up until Thursday it was the one and only time in the six years that I’ve used the left gear on that bike. I’m happy to report the left and I are getting along better. Especially going up hill.

Okay, so this was long and boring. Do you guys like the videos or are they retarded? And if you do like them, what should my next video be? I was thinking of maybe putting the camera behind my treadmill so you could critique my running form. Which has improved, but still also sucks.

(Oh, and a note for all of you who have made it this far into the post – I still have people asking how to comment since it’s not at the bottom anymore, it’s under the date on the left at the top directly under the bubble. Thank you for caring enough to ask.)

Just more practice and a little better video. Need. Help. Please

I need a swimsuit. The kind you swim in, not just float in. Maybe a cool one with some neat patterns or something. Suggestions?

I’m closing the “Name your Treadmill” contest at noon. You guys are too funny.