The Chef and I rode the Tour of Paris, TX yesterday and it was so stinking stupid hot. I rode the 37 miles and Chef rode the longer route, 60 something miles. It was really fun to get away for a day together – although the last ten miles I seriously thought the skin was melting off my bones. Someone there said the heat index was around 117 degrees – that is just ridiculous – and even more ridiculous that we voluntarily rode our bikes for 2.5 hours in the stupid hot. Like I need more reasons to move to Napa. Anyone want to buy some radioactive property in the middle of nowhere Texas?

It’s also ridiculous that gas drilling has permeated my mind so deeply that whenever I see smoke, or pollution or anything – the first thing I do is reach for my trusty iPhone and make a video.  I’m not sure what this place is or what it does, but it was along the tour route and it was smoking so I instinctively did what I do best – fight crime while riding a bike – the multi-tasking talent just never ends.

Paris Texas from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

This is my favorite picture – Watch for “fog” on road:

I’m on my 6^th lesson with the master’s group and I am yet to be a master swimmer. I’ve belched so much chlorine I should be a pro by now. I still very much like air and I very much hate water in my face. There isn’t much more to say other than I just don’t like swimming and I’m infatuated with air. And to make sure there is no confusion with the other swimmers on the matter:

And no, I’m not modeling the suit, but you get the idea! We can’t have anyone mistaking me for a swimmer just because I’m in the pool.  The hot pink flowers add an extra special touch, I think.

So let’s move on to the cycling. I’ve been involuntarily nominated team manager of Michael’s new cycling team, North Texas Road Team – which has involved setting up the non-for-profit stuff, getting sponsorships, creating the logo, ordering the stickers and designing the outfits. Needless to say it is way more than I bargained for, so I ordered an honorary outfit for myself  – and this I will model for you (because I’m way cuter than anyone else on the team):

I will not, however, model the matching green spanky pants. My ass stretches the pants so much the color doesn’t even appear green anymore, just a pale minty. And the last thing I need is a minty-colored ass. I think someone warned me about the green, but I failed to listen. Maybe a summer tan and a little tinted lip-gloss will offset the minty color a bit?

Other than that, there has been some, but little, cycling for me. Runner Susan’s Cycling Motto: If it’s cold, windy, snowy, rainy or cloudy – don’t ride. I’m delicate that way and thus I become Stationary Susan.

So, let’s move on to Funner Susan. AKA: Social Susan. Let me set the stage: Last year Chef and I went to some friends for dinner and it just happened to be on the Winter Solstice. We had so much fun we decided to do it again this year, but host it at our house.  We’ll have RS’s Chef and our friend Nicole, who is also a REAL LIFE chef, doing most of the cooking.

It’s turned into a 10-course spanktacular extravaganza of food for four couples. I have been busily, busily, busily getting things ready – which involved a lot of me calling my mom and having her ship dishes and glasses. Believe it or not, not many of our dishes matched and for the 2^nd Annual Winter Solstice Celebration, call me picky, but I wanted all things to be matchy matchy and special! Who knows, I might learn to cook some day?

The Menu for the evening:

Appetizers and Apéritif
Kir Royales with assorted Dolmas and Exotic Olives

Herb Marinated Lamb meatballs
Muga Reserva 2005 Tempranillo, Rioja, Spain

Butternut Squash Soup Shots with a Cassoulet Spoon
Gewurztraminer,  2007, Columbia Valley, Washington

Palate Cleanser: Carbonated Kiwi and Pineapple Sorbet

Arugula and Watercress Salad with Quail Egg and Porcini Fusion Salt
Shibumi Knoll, 2005, Cabernet Sauvignon, Napa Valley, California

Balsamic Roasted Pears

Creme Fresh and White Cheddar Mashed Potatoes

Spanish Matambre

Sweet Potato & Coconut Balls
Shibumi Knoll, 2005, Cabernet Sauvignon, Napa Valley, California

Molten Chocolate Cake with Mint Foam and Carbonated Raspberries
Graham’s 20 Year Old Tawny Port from Portugal

Dulce de Leche Flan
Inniskillin Vidal, 2006 Canadian Ice Wine

Followed by Irish Coffees and Candy Cane Smores around the Fire Pit

Take a look at this fancy pants setting (thanks to RS’s mother):

And that is not even everything. We’re missing the soup slider shot glass.  And steak knifes. And I still need to get place mats and I think I’m missing a baby spoon for the palate cleanser. I didn’t even know they had baby spoons for adults. I don’t even know where to get them, but I’m hoping that by the time we get to the palate cleanser everyone will be tipsy enough to just pick up there bowls and start eating like dogs – because at this point, I’m totally okay with eating like dogs. I like dogs.  I have three. But how in the hell is all that times eight going to fit on one table.

The grocery shopping begins Friday morning. More on the party after this weekend, I’ll have photos of each process. Hopefully. I’m starting to chunk out the holiday season so if I can’t fit into anything cute, then the camera gets put away.

Okay now, onto the spectacular part. After a year’s hiatus from marathon running, I have decided to run the Okalahoma City Memorial Marathon in April, with fellow Martini Twin, Michelle. Which means, I got lots of training to do. And do I ever mean lots. Any and all advice is appreciated. You know me. You know all about me. Give it to me rough. Tell me the error of my ways and make me a faster runner. Pretty please and thank you.

Oh boy, am I ever tired. These past few months have been exhausting, I’ve missed you guys. Keep watching Internet People, coming up soon I’m giving away some awesome Triathlon wine charms and Running wine charms to the person who suggests the best training plan.

That’s what my friend Zoë always says. So meet my new friend – she may not be the fanciest or most expensive bike, but I rode her for 53 miles today and she fits so well.  I love her and I think she loves me back.

Give me a marathon any day, I say. Hey, give me back-to-back marathons everyday for the rest of my life and then let me come home and clean dog poop off my sofa. Let me do all those things and then rip off my arms and beat me with them, because that would be better than any form of swimming. Any. And all. Amen.

So I did my first triathlon and I didn’t die and I didn’t drown. It certainly wasn’t pretty and I’ll let the pictures tell the story, but I will insert this bit: I used every single ounce of energy I had in the swim and I had nothing left to give the rest of the race. There were only two people in the pool after me when I finished and I was practically crawling from the pool to my bike. Totally. Exhausted. And when did swimming become a contact sport? Please, don’t touch my fat! One would assume that since I am built like a buoy that I’d have a natural advantage in the pool. So. Not. True.

I’m thinking my fish friend, Michelle, might force me to take a swim lesson or two before my next tri. Wait, did I just say next one? What I meant to say was my back-to-back thousands of marathons with my legs tied together through a desert full of snakes with no water stations. Actually, I think that place is in Australia somewhere for real.

Total Time: 1:40:31
500-yard Swim: 19:09 T1: 2:05 13-mile Bike: 44:53 T:2 1:47 5K Run: 32:34

Of course, we had a fabulous time and fabulous hospitality from our super cool friends, Michelle and Phillip, in Oklahoma, and that made the trip almost worth swimming for! That, and a little wine.

**EDIT: I totally forgot, due to the angst of the swim, to mention that Michelle totally ROCKED the course and got 7th in her age group! And the husbands followed us around the course the entire day on their bikes and took pictures and had chilled wine waiting for us at the end (which was nice of them, even if it wasn’t demanded)! It doesn’t get much better.

I’m almost certain I will forget something even though I have three bags of things needed for the sprint tri: wine, shoes and other stuff – so I should be all set – and yet there is just so much to take it’s bordering the ridiculous. A new bike would not be bordering ridiculous though, and yet I still don’t have one. No, no I don’t. If anyone out there wants to call or text the Chef and demand a new bike for Runner Susan, I’d find unmentionable and pleasurable ways to reward you.

Anyhow, I’m not freaking out about the totally not pleasurable swim since I really didn’t train AT ALL and since there is no air in the water I am totally prepared to come in last. And hopefully not last by remaining at the bottom of the pool for the rest of my life. I honestly wish Cherry Berry could do the swim for me because I’d totally win. She’s a pro-swimmer that girl.

Here I go. Reporting back on Monday! Hopefully.

(In case you are wondering, Donkey hates the water, hates to run and Michael won’t get him a trailer for the back of his bike)

This weekend the Martini Twins did a mock tri. We’ve never done anything like this before and we had no clue what to expect. We survived and finished in 2:10 and that included our 30 minute swim. And that is when I decided that air is my best friend. Air is good. Air never fails me. And since there is no air under water, the concept of swimming is ridiculous. The exercise called sipping margaritas and floating aimlessly is the only appropriate water exercise.

Saturday we rode 20 miles and ran some and then on Sunday we swam 30 minutes, rode 13 miles and ran 3.2 miles and hung out with the neighborhood rooster for a while – it took us 2 hours and ten minutes. And if it wasn’t for the swimming, I might have some energy left today. Give me a half marathon any day, I say.

Anyhow, fun times, fun recovery and just plain fun hanging with friends!

Here’s some video and you’ll notice how far ahead we are of the pelopton, we’re fast like that. And training, recovery and party pictures for you to enjoy. I’ll post a protected update that does not include us dancing on the tables soon. Seriously, does not have any dancing pictures.

Anyhow, fun times, fun recovery and just plain fun hanging with friends! Pics and video to enjoy.

Tri Training from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

I’m not a good traveler. I don’t enjoy flying, I don’t like being away from my home and I don’t like not having everything where it’s supposed to be. I know, I’m a freak. Although, this manic tendency seems to comply pretty well for both the Chef and I since the Chef doesn’t like to be away from his bike and therefore doesn’t like to be away from home without it. And I REFUSE to ever air travel with his stupid bike again (re: Canada disaster many years ago) because it is NOT worth the ginormous hassle – especially as he freaks out when he sees it coming out of the belly of the plane only to watch a bunch of golf clubs plop on top of it’s container.

This vacation was surprisingly different. Everything fell right into place, from renting “Michael approved” bikes online to our hotel reservations all the way to extending the vacation. I fell in love with Napa. I adore Napa Valley. I didn’t want to leave. Everything about it is wonderful. So wonderful in fact, that I am still talking about moving there someday. It has everything I love: perfect weather, the best food, and lots of delicious wine. It gets better when you add that it is cycling and running friendly – and with green, lush, beautiful landscapes full of roses and roses and roses and vines. It’s just lovely.

And a lovely pork sausage I am, as I practically had to sausage stuff myself into my jeans on the way home. Makes for a fun plane ride. Oiy, and I still feel like a sausage. So, let the running begin. I need a plan so I don’t skimp out on myself – I’ve been a bit lazy lately. Wait, I do have a plan, I just need to put it in action. I did exercise in Napa – I rode an hour or more everyday, but with the exception of my ride with Pamela and Juls, my rides were mostly scenic. I couldn’t help it; there were so many beautiful things to see.

Many more Napa Adventures to come in the ways of fancy toilets, meeting friends, restaurant reviews and wine by the barrel. But for now I must work on my pork sausage reduction plan, so here are a few pictures from our trip until then:

This is part of the elevation map Pamela sent me from our ride on Tuesday. The Napa Valley Bike Shop called this an “Intermediate” 26 mile loop. Well California cyclists, if this is intermediate for you, then I salute you! Because it was the equivalent of climbing a mountain and falling over a cliff for me. More on that later, but riding is awesome here. When I’m not fearing for my life.

And this is from the day I learned about the spit buckets, and why they are unfortunately necessary.

Internet people, if I ever met good people in my life – it’s 21st Century Mom’s Pamela and Keeping Pace’s Jules. I’d link them, but I’ve been tasting wine all day and it’s beyond my current neurological capabilities. I can tell you this though, they are the kindest, nicest and most genuine and beautiful ladies I’ve met in so, so long.

I heart them so much they make me want to move to this beautiful area of California. These women are beyond amazing. Hands down, the best part of our Napa Valley trip so far was meeting them! I miss them and it’s only been a day since they were here. (Sorry about my constant hill climbing and descending whining, I’m not always like that – only 80% of the time). My next goal is to get them to Dallas!

There is no denying it – we were the cutest Martini Twins on the course. Which of course means Michelle and I rode a lot faster than if we showed up completely uncute, because we all know speed is 80% cute, 15% bike, and 5% motor. That’s a little tip I picked up from BettyBetty, of course I think she might have had the priorities lined up a little differently, I just can’t recall quite accurately at the moment.

It was hilly, and a few of those hills were so steep I was only going 3 – 5 miles and hour up them because they were more like walls than hills. I felt like Spider Man in a Martini Jersey. But on the bright side, it’s good to know I can drive my bike that slow and still stay upright. I’m sure it’s a lesson I would have learned sooner or later, but all I have to say right now is THANK YOU ROLLERS.

Here we are being cute and adorable before the ride:

Here’s the cute Chef and I before the ride (he did the 100k on Saturday and the 50k on Sunday placing 2nd on both days – he’s bummed because he still only has 30% vision in his left eye from his lasik/bike crash injury and can’t see well enough to race the crits):

And here’s the Martini Twins making a stop on the way home from the ride:

We rode past this building and felt obligated to stop in for a martini. But since we didn’t know the secret knock and realized that the building didn’t have any windows, we hopped on our bikes and drove back to our hotel as fast as possible.

Here we are in true Martini Twins form back at the hotel – Daisy’s butt added for extra cuteness (in case you were wondering, dogs like to lick salty legs):

Then later that night we put on our party dresses and took the hubbands out for a nice dinner. It just so happens that we went shopping the weekend before and bought several of the exact same dresses (fashion show coming soon).

We even walked Daisy cute:

Then after we got home I dressed Donkey up in Michael’s Tulsa Tough shirt – he was quite handsome, I must say.

Team Martini tied for 41st place out of 288 and finished in 2:07 – I think that is around 15.5 mph. Not bad for no hill training or even hardly training at all. It was a fun weekend and the Martini Twins are already planning their next run, ride and possibly tri. Except that whole swimming thing is freaking me out a bit.

Donkey wears a t-shirt from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Tulsa Tough report is on the way soon!

There are some weeks when I post everyday, and then there are weeks when I don’t post at all. I reckon this is one of those weeks. I just haven’t had anything exciting to blog about and quite honestly (and shamefully) I didn’t do any running.  I sat on my butt all week long with intentions everyday to run or do something at least, but those intentions never made it any further than staying mere intentions. I’m thinking next week I need to do some more vlogging, I miss vlogging and I know you all miss my torturous screaming. Who wouldn’t?

I thought in spirit of those abandoned intentions I’d post some races I’m contemplating – only a few of which are committed. And by committed I mean somewhat probably and mostly almost committed.

• May 30 – Tulsa Tough 30 mile bike rally*
• June  – Red White & Blue 5k
• July 18th  – Too Hot Too Handle 15k
• August 23rd – Hotter N Hell 100  bike rally*
• September 19th -  Tour De Fleurs 20k*
• September 27th – Heels & Hills Half Marathon
• October 18 – Columbus Half Marathon*
• October 10th – Hartford Full Marathon (only because I know David misses me so much he can hardly stand it)

Now I gotta run because the Martini Twins have some wine to drink and some bitches to pass.

Our Team Martini slogan: Fun lasts longer than fast.

Sunday I rode 15 miles at a 15 mph pace.

Monday I rode 16.25 at a 15.48 mph pace

Tuesday was track torture day.

Today I ran with the fast people for 3 miles and kept up (mostly) and finished in 26:49 and later rode 15.13 miles at a 14.41 pace.

I’m not sure why this week has been so fast – especially since I’ve put on 4 pounds this week. Work harder, eat less, gain weight. Oh well, I reckon I shouldn’t complain because I’m really happy with my times.

I love the track. I love speed work. I love that I can get a fantastic workout in and it doesn’t take five hours. And the track loves me back by utilizing my genetically gifted super fast twitch muscles. You know, those muscles those Boston Marathoners don’t have many of but I have lots of. I’m not getting new legs any time soon so I better sam hell learn to love what I got.

Today was 800m warm up, 2000m at a 7:56 pace (I rock), 800m medium pace, 1600m at another sub-8 minute pace (rock again), and then a 400m cool down right as the rain rolled in. Perfect timing for sprinkles.

I’m just all about the love today. I’m especially loving this: I received an email from the race director of the half marathon that I bailed on because of the rain and it said the race was canceled due to flooding – and the entrants get FREE entry into the September Half they are putting on. How awesome is that? Love it.

I even shared the love with my dear friend, Jeanne. I love Jeanne. I think I’m going to add a “Ask Runner Susan” button to my blog because my love has no bounty.

And with that love in mind, I’m going to share a blond joke with you. Kenza is all about the blond jokes right now. She especially thinks it’s funny because she’s blond and smart. She thinks it’s even funnier to tell them to other blonds. Like her mother.

A blond girl gets off the school bus and was so excited when she got home to tell her mom what they learned at school. “Mommy, Mommy, guess what? We learned to count today and I could count to 15 and all the other girls could only count to 10. Is it because I’m blond, Mommy?” And the mother replies, “Yes Dear, it’s because you are blond.”

The next day the blond girl gets off the school bus and was equally excited. “Mommy, Mommy, guess what? We learned the alphabet today and I could say the letters all the way to L and the other girls only learned to G. Is it because I’m blond, Mommy?” And the mother replies, “Yes Dear, it’s because you are blond.”

The third day the blond girl gets off the school bus and was excited once again. “Mommy, Mommy, guess what? We had our very first swim lesson today and I was the only girl with breasts and the other girls didn’t have any at all. Is it because I’m blond, Mommy? And the mother replies, “No Dear, it’s because you are 25.”

The things kids hear at school. I’m sure worse is to come. Now, I’ve got to see about getting some time in on the rollers. The Chef’s HHH plan is calling my name and it’s still raining. I have a feeling the rollers might spoil the love thing I got going on.

I went to the track this morning and did strides and 100s. I felt pretty good considering I haven’t done much in over a week. But I’m changing that. Right now and today. And, tomorrow I’m going to the track again and running 3 or 4 miles at various paces. I’m going to run so fast you may not even see me.

But I’ll let you see the new Mizuno Jinx tank top I picked up while I was at the local running store. Initially, I was a bit skeptical because it has a built-in adjustable bra – and those are always disappointing. But not this one – this tank holds the girls in place like nobody’s business. Of course, I’d wear an additional bra – but the two layers combined are iron clad. This makes my girls happy.

While I’m at it, I’ll show you my new bike jerseys. Only because they are so cute and sooo argyley. The front is just basic black with a little pink skull decal but the back has cute argyle pockets. For the side and back pocket view, I threw in a complementary superhero arm pose at my own expense. I’m nice like that and it helps with the overall adorableness.

And here’s the green argyle one:

They are both from Twin Six. I love their shirts because they are light weight and have no hamhock restricting elastic at the bottom. I also like these jerseys because it is a proven fact that being cuter on the bike makes you go faster. Hey, I don’t make this stuff up; but we all have to follow the rules.

WARNING: This post does not make much sense because I spend a lot of time talking to myself.

I had so much fun last weekend running the half marathon, I’m itching to do another. Of course, I don’t think I could run too many during Girls Weekend; I’d break down sooner or later. Hopefully later. Anyhow, there is a local half this weekend and I’m trying to decide if I should run it or not. It’s a smaller race but VERY hilly, which would be good training, but the hills would be tough. I’m not a good hill climber on my feet or with my bike, so maybe it would be good for me. But then again, I’m not about hills. You see my dilemma.

Half marathons are probably my favorite race distance (at the moment) – and if I ever took it somewhat seriously, I might even get faster. But what is our lesson here? Faster does not mean Funner.* Okay, back to the point, why am I even bringing this up? Because, (and this is where the runners need not freak out – I’ll explain why in a minute) I promised the Chef I would ride the Hotter N Hell Hundred in August. And in order to finish this race I’m going to have to start the training plan he’s put together for me soon – and he has a long ride on the schedule for Sunday – half marathon day. I’m not one with the bike yet, but I REALLY need to start thinking about getting one with the bike – or I might just be dead on the bike. I haven’t made a decision yet, but I think I might run this half marathon and then start the HHH training on Monday. Sound fair?  I think so.

Okay, so let explain why Runner Susan is still Runner Susan and not Rider Susan. Because as soon as HHH is over, my plan is to start training for another race – maybe even a marathon. I’m thinking Houston in January of 2010. Nothing is set in stone, because I need to do some shorter races too, because I have yet to prove to myself that I actually have fast twitch muscle fibers that can do some damage in a shorter race. Now, I just need to figure out if I’m Type IIa or Type IIb. This is where you can tell I’m rambling because I’ve had 3 cups of espresso. And yeah, I know I should spell check, but I’m too wound up to take the time to do anything productive.

Right here is where I was going to talk about how we helped the local vet save the neighbors goat, Vinny. Seriously – it was dark, the owners were out of town, and the goat was on the ground with its eyes rolled back and barely moaning – near death I tell ya. I held the mouth bit while the Chef held the horns so the vet could shove a tube down his throat and relieve him. But then I decided it really didn’t really make sense in the context of all this running and riding stuff so I left it out. But in case you are wondering, Vinny is alive and well because of our goat-saving kindness.

So, Internet People, what do you think? Am I crazy? Delusional beyond caffeine? Does this post make any sense at all?

*Yes, I know funner is only a word in Australia, but I think it’s kind of fun to throw in foreign words every now and then – makes me smarter than I look . . . and goes along with all the run-on sentences, superfluous commas and unnecessary explanation points!

And bow to me – because I am the Roller Queen. Today I rode the rollers for 1 hour and 40 minutes. And not just regular rolling, which is hell in itself, but ridiculously hard rolling. For 1 hour and 40 minutes.

Somehow I let Zoë talk me into going over to her house and doing her “easy trainer” DVDs with her. I grabbed random snippets of the video because it was too painful to watch it from start (bad) to finish (painfully sad). Just a warning, the editing is incredibly sucky.  And sucky may be an understatement. The camera moves around a lot because it gets sweated on during the 2nd half of the session.

Oh, and the language, which I usually suppress until mile 15 of a marathon, gets kind of bad towards the end. And my hair? Looks like a DQ curl. So Sorry.

One Hour and Forty Minutes. from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Okay, now that that is over, sit down. Because I did not run my 5 miles yesterday – it was 35 degrees and pouring down rain and the PIMP did not sound the least bit interesting. But, tomorrow I will do those 5 miles – even if I have to force myself to PIMP it. I will, I will. Maybe I’ll even do some video with the Newtons on. The Newtons which I’m still not liking one bit.

I got to wear my new bike jersey outside for the first time today. I was so excited because I looked like a professional with the pockets in the back for my phone and stuff, but my ham hocks are so big they pushed my shirt up and made my iphone fall to the ground.

Now I’m sad.

Stupid. Cute. Shirt.

Must commence ham hock reducing plan as soon as possible.