And bow to me – because I am the Roller Queen. Today I rode the rollers for 1 hour and 40 minutes. And not just regular rolling, which is hell in itself, but ridiculously hard rolling. For 1 hour and 40 minutes.

Somehow I let Zoë talk me into going over to her house and doing her “easy trainer” DVDs with her. I grabbed random snippets of the video because it was too painful to watch it from start (bad) to finish (painfully sad). Just a warning, the editing is incredibly sucky.  And sucky may be an understatement. The camera moves around a lot because it gets sweated on during the 2nd half of the session.

Oh, and the language, which I usually suppress until mile 15 of a marathon, gets kind of bad towards the end. And my hair? Looks like a DQ curl. So Sorry.

One Hour and Forty Minutes. from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Okay, now that that is over, sit down. Because I did not run my 5 miles yesterday – it was 35 degrees and pouring down rain and the PIMP did not sound the least bit interesting. But, tomorrow I will do those 5 miles – even if I have to force myself to PIMP it. I will, I will. Maybe I’ll even do some video with the Newtons on. The Newtons which I’m still not liking one bit.

Enough with the videos already. Okay, okay. But I’m on a roll and I’ve forgotten all the ways of grammar and spelling.

Seriously, this workout kicked my butt. This isn’t even all the workouts, but multiply it times three and Runner Susan was whipped.

Upper Body & Lower Body Feb 26 from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Upper Body Weights, Feb 24 from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

What you are about to witness is pretty darn scary. I’m a girl, so I tend to choose the photos I put on my blog by how unbelievably attractive I look in them, you know, all the pictures that don’t really look like me, but I wish they did. You do it too; you know you do. Although, I make exceptions for race pictures – I like to keep it real. And sometimes real is pretty darn ugly.

So it goes without saying, I look crazy ugly in the following cycling video. And just be warned, my teeth look larger than life. But it’s real, Internet People. Scary and real. Cindy, on the other hand, is as cute as a button. She is also better at the clip-less pedals than me. After only ONE day. And it’s really unfair.

HHHk Training from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Upper Body Weights. Feb 17 from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Finally, I feel like I’m getting back in shape after the holidays. Sunday I ran, yesterday I ran again for 3 miles and then did 9 x 100s, forcing myself to run moderately (AKA slow) – between 18 – 24 seconds each, and today, Internet People, was extreme arm & ab torture with a 40 minute bike ride thrown in just for fun. And yes, my seat is too low – especially with the new stem – I’ll get my chef on that right away.

Arms & Abs Feb 3 from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Seat too low from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

My ass is going to hurt tomorrow. Also, I’m thinking eventually  I’ll need to write something with content, and not just post videos. But I’ve been very lazy lately. So while I think of words, you can watch me die in this video. And die without a visible six-pack of abs because the layer of seal blubber won’t budge from around my waist. Damn stupid fudge. Life is so unfair.

Abs, Squats from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Every time I think I’ve finally whipped this sinus infection and have a fantastic workout, I find that the following two days after I’m totally whipped. Today’s videos are efforts from this mornings 4AM leg torture – and on days like today, I’m not sure what’s worse – the torture or the getting up at 4AM. This was my first workout since the 35-mile ride on Sunday and I was especially tired. Again. I’m tired of being sick AND tired.

I divided the videos up into three – the first squatting at 105 pounds (I think), the second is a hamstring workout, where I look like I’m about to spontaneously combust, and the third is five full minutes of the completely awful weighted ball ab routine – unless you are totally bored, you don’t have to watch it all – I haven’t yet because the grocery awaits. Again, my exciting life continues.

If you want to get really creative, hit play on all three at the same time and have way too much of Runner Susan going on.

legtortureabroutine from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

leg torture hamstring from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

weighted ball abs from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Today we did arms and abs. Call me a weenie, but I really didn’t want to go to the track and do 400s in the cold. I know, I complain when it’s hot AND when it’s cold. I’m temperature sensitive that way.

Today involved straight-legged bench work and a horrible plate dragging, ab crawling thing. We’ll call them Aussie drags. Thanks Ewen, those were fun. Not.

For a comparison, you’ll see how painful and torturous the Aussie Drag is for me and then you’ll see Cindy fly through them like she’s been doing it since she was a baby. Yeah, I know when I’ve been whipped.

Drag from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Cindy Drag from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Last night was filled with thunderstorms, pacing donkeys, snoring husbands and reoccurring nightmares. Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep . . . and I am a person who very much needs at least eight hours of sleep. I’m special that way. So when I got to Cindy’s gym for squats and ab work I was really, really, really, really tired. Either that or sweet little Cindy was channeling the Devil. You decide. Here’s a small portion from hell at the end of our five billion hour abdominal routine.

Ab Torture from Hell from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

After last weeks squatting routine, I swore I would never squat again. I was sore for five days after and I complained every single day. I know you find that hard to believe, but I did. Then on Sunday during the last two miles of the half marathon, when I was ready to throw in the bag because I had used up all my speed, I found a little bit of hidden power and strength and was able to finish with a respectable time (for me) by lifting my legs with my quad muscles. My mantra for the last two miles was lift, lift, lift . . . I was able to turnover my legs and not succumb to the temptation to walk. So, with that in mind, today we upped the squat weight to 105 pounds – which isn’t a whole lot – but enough to slowly build a little more strength.

My body responds really well to lifting weights. I know the general rule of thumb for endurance athletes is to lift light and do a lot of reps, but I tend to run better when I lift heavier. I’m curious to know what you Internet People thing about weight lifting and running?

Be warned, the following videos may show a little more cheek than you want to see. You’ll see me squat 105 in the middle of the first video. (Katy, that’s the ball tooting not me.) Also, the scorpion stretch is not the most pleasant thing I’ve ever done – much harder, and louder, than squatting.

Just Shoot Me Now 2 from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Scorpion Stretch from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

I’m back at it, but new and improved. Meet my new BFF, Adam – he’s a football player and if you’re mean to me or Cindy he’ll tackle you. Sweet Adam is a little shy about becoming a celebrity, but I told him he’d get the hang of it in no time at all!

Full Body Torture from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Technically not, I only promised no more Leg Torture videos . . .

Arm Torture from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Arm Torture #2 from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Ab Torture from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Okay Internet People, I know you don’t have anything better to do than watch me run around a track in the dark. So for your viewing pleasure we decided to get really high tech with some fancy pants special effects videography. Either that or we’ve just sunk to an all time low. You can decide.

Today’s torture was inspired by sweet Ewen, who suggested my physiology might do better with slower 200s. And let me state for the record, he was right. I am officially in love 200s. Especially 200s in 65-degree weather. I could run 200s all day long. Everyday. Forever and ever. And never stop. I wanted to do 20 or 25 but I needed to get the little one off to school.

So my new finish-in-way-under-5-hours-marathon plan is to sprint 200 and walk 200. All the way. What do you think? And don’t tell David, I’m going to surprise him with our new plan in Chicago.

1 – 44
2 – 45
3 – 47
4 – 44
5 – 45
6 – 46
7 – 50
8 – 44
9 – 45
10 – 46 (had to pee)
11 – 50 (had to pee)
12 – 53 (had to pee really, really bad)
13 – 50 (okay, I had to stop and pee after this one)
14 – 46
15 – 41 – go me!

Track Torture #2 from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Oh, I forgot to tell you that yesterday I ran close to 7 miles with Massoman at a 10:29 pace. Slow going out, but super speedy coming in.

Oh, oh, I lost a blinky light during the little yelp.

Internet People, I know you guys are getting bored of the leg torture videos. And I know it’s hard to believe that I wasn’t born the stealthy self you see today, but I’ve worked hard to get this stealthy self and the old videos are good reference for me (read: am having a tough week and must watch videos repeatedly to reassure stealthy self I won’t die in Chicago).

Today I only give you a small snippet of moaning plate runners – which are particularly dreadful because we did them after squats, lunges, bosu runs and about a million box jumps. I also only give you a little bit of abdominal torture. Why so little? Because I dressed in the dark and my brain doesn’t function well so early (read: wrong bra) (read: gained weight because of long run missed) (read: almost peed my pants because of all the jumping) (read: not suitable for human viewing).

Maybe if we shot the video in the dark you could just vision what was going on?

Leg Torture #13 from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Thursday: Track Torture #2. Straight from New Mexico.

With school back in session, I will now officially be getting up 4 days a week at 4AM for 5AM workouts. When does that get easier?

We did some new stuff during leg torture today, which had me bending all over the place. I felt like Chris Martin in concert. And let me just warn you ahead of time about my pasty white back and belly that slips out here and there – I do not want to be the responsible party if your retinas spontaneously combust.

But before I post the video, I have one question to ask all you female cyclists: How do you explain saddle sores to your gynecologist? I have an appointment next week and I’m thinking I may need to postpone it.

let torture 12 from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Yeah, if you thought watching me lunge for 60 seconds was boring, wait until you see this. I know. I’m a loser. A loser with a mental illness. A loser that has nothing better to do than organize 4 years worth of accumulated running crap. Again. And then put into video. If you never visit my blog again, I won’t blame you. Now I’m going to go and walk my Donkey and have a long and serious discussion about my current mental health.

My Running Closet from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

Last night I begged called Massoman and asked if he would run eight-miles with me this morning at 5:15 AM. I even called him back to confirm that we were running even if it was raining. Yes and yes. Thank you.

It was 68 degrees, misty and lightning – we started off at a very nice pace and at about mile 5 Massoman said, I’m going pick up the pace a little. Um, Okay. I though our pace was picked up. He took off and I tried with all my might to keep up – my fear of the approaching lightning might have motivated me as well.

For the last five years I’ve been the epitome of a persistent 10-11 minute per mile racer. And sadly, I’ve learned to be at peace with this. But today, I ran eight miles in 1 hour and 12 minutes.

As I drove to Cindy’s Leg Torture I tried to figure out my pace in my head. I knew it was a good pace and I was thinking maybe 10-minute miles. Since I stink at math I sat in her driveway with my magic iPhone and figured I just ran a 9:02 pace. What is wrong with me? I even did the Gmap pedometer and emailed Massoman to make sure I wasn’t jiving myself.

I changed out of my sweaty clothes and discussed this madness with Cindy. As you’ll see I’m pretty happy and consistent being tortured considering I just ran eight miles. Today was wide/regular/narrow squats at 85 lbs and the usual abs/plate runners/lunges and then arm torture and stretching. It’s a long video today, so feel free to skip out whenever you get bored.

Leg Torture #11 from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

(The arm torture part is called “Cheater Curls” because we go to exhaustion. I know I’m swinging my body a little too much – but I had permission)

And here’s my feeble attempt at swimming again. The water hates me. It’s trying to kill me. As you can see I’ve made absolutely no improvement. I think I need to give up the water for a while.

Tune in for tomorrow’s extreme leg torture #9 workout.

Swim Practice #4 from Runner Susan on Vimeo.

It’s been a full day so far. I meet Massoman for a run this morning at 5:15 AM. I was able to get in 9 miles at an 11:3ish pace before I went to instruct Cindy’s torture class. After torture class, Mrs. Phelps wanted me to swim 50 laps with her – although, it didn’t take long before she changed her mind because she decided that I take up too much room in the pool. I was okay with that, I was tired.

After all that, I still needed to get one more mile in for the day . . . so here’s me doing the PIMP, a little slower, in my new kicks. I think slower makes it a bit easier to see my lazy right leg. Also, please note my expert editing skills.

PIMP Video #2 from Runner Susan on Vimeo.