Runner Susan

Not just elf. Elf on crack.

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I was right. My friend Kate confirmed that I don’t sound like myself in video, her exact words were “Not just elf. Elf on crack.” And my sister’s sentiment: “BTW, the video blogs freak me out.” Yes, it’s nice to be loved.

Keep in mind as I document this cleansing thing:

  1. I’m using Kenza’s toy video camera – it has no lighting, zooming, tripod or focusing features. It’s a toy and it is what it is. Just know in real life my eyebrows are perfectly trimmed and I have a deep, sexy voice.
  2. I have no video editing software, so if I say “ummm” a hundred times or pick my nose, so be it. I’ll try not to wipe on the camera. Sadly, I see no real video camera in my near future.
  3. All of my clothing is rated G and I never wear t-shirts with profanity written on them.

I keep asking myself why I am doing this . . . because the thought of not having solid food in my mouth for ten days is quite painful. Have I mentioned in the past how much I love food? And chewing. But it’s gotten to the point where my skin feels like it is stretched to the max and is going to explode. Not a pretty picture. Anyhow, all I have left to do is get the laxative tea and purified water. Tune in tomorrow for the gory details.

I call New Year’s Eve “amateur party night.” People go out and have no clue what their alcohol tolerance is, drink way too much and die. And since I drink everyday, I’m a qualified a professional. And since I no longer need practice, I’ll be at home and passed out asleep by 10PM.

Be safe out there. Happy New Year.

______

UPDATE – the cleanse will begin January 2nd.

Another test, but this time in Australian

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I took a recent course at the local junior college so I could learn to speak Australian. I’m talented that way. And since no one in Texas can speak Australian, I think I’m safe in posting this video – although my southern drawl may throw you off a little.

Here {raise martini} is to a speedy recovery Katy. Oh, and if I were there – I would try to stick a magnet on your femur.

P.S. Thank you for the recent shipment of painkillers. They in no way affected or influenced the making of this video.

Parental Warning – Rated R for Days to Come

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What’s up with the video thing? It’s just a test for now and I’m not even sure I’ll use it. My plan is to document this stupid idiotic Master Cleanse I’m about to undergo. And yes, I am fully aware that it is stupid and idiotic. And yes, I am going to partake in it anyway. And since it is stupid and idiotic I will likely be emotionally fragile and too weak from hunger to type, so I plan on posting video entries for the ten days of the cleanse. I’m not sure exactly when I’m going to start, but it will be sometime soon.

I have mixed feeling about this video-blogging though, because while I can write “you god damn mother fucking bastard”, I actually have no ability to speak it. So you understand my bad girl/good girl dilemma . . . There is also the voice thing. I can never believe I actually sound like I do. I keep half expecting an elf to jump out my mouth because I can’t believe I’m really so high-pitched. Just so you know, I sound much better inside my head.

And since I’m feeling generous today, I won’t get started on the jowls, double chin and the “when the hell did I start to look so old” stuff. But therein lies the point to this whole thing. Once I get rid of my sugar/caffeine/diet coke and cheese ball addiction, I can move on to losing a few or forty pounds, and life will be good.

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